How are you? I'm fine. How have you been? Fine. How are the girls? Fine. How is...how are...how about???? F I N E!
I'm posting this because I'm tired of retelling it and I don't have the emotional strength anymore to keep fielding the damn questions.
In case you've been hiding under a rock lately, or have just lost track of all the endless amounts of crap I have going on, here's a brief recap before we move on.
I'm posting this because I'm tired of retelling it and I don't have the emotional strength anymore to keep fielding the damn questions.
In case you've been hiding under a rock lately, or have just lost track of all the endless amounts of crap I have going on, here's a brief recap before we move on.
- I've been out of remission for the majority of this year.
- I was laid off from my job at the end of May.
- The following week I had major surgery.
- I lost my health insurance.
- I'm trying to run a household and raise 2 kids on less than $25K a year. I have to pay rent, phone, groceries, orthodontist, optometrist, SDGE, gas, my meds, my medical bills....OH, and no Gus doesn't help beyond child support.
- 3 weeks ago, Javi moved out.
That about covers it. There's plenty of other stuff going on but to list it all would just be whiny.
Now, how do you REALLY think I am? And honestly why bother asking? Everyone assumes everything is ok. It's not until I tell the truth that anyone stops to realize that oh maybe they shouldn't have asked. I can sense the deer in the headlights look as I start listing what's going on THAT week. And then, what's even better, they try to sympathize. Because somehow the fact that THEY have to work overtime or THEY might have to sell their dirt bike is right in line with me having to chose between groceries or lights.
There's days when it's very hard not to be bitter. As an adult I'm supposed to understand why I was laid off, why it made financial sense for the company to let me go. But I have no problem admitting that sometimes it's hard not to feel slighted. Thanks to losing my job there's a very good chance I'll be losing EVERYTHING.
And speaking of jobs....do people honestly think that I haven't thought of EVERYTHING I can possibly do to make a living? What the fuck. YES I've been looking, YES I've put in resumes, YES I'm looking at jobs I swore I'd NEVER do. But have YOU ever tried raising a kids and paying rent on $10 an hour? No? Well, it's a lot like those Choose Your Own Adventure books you read in school. do you pay the light bill and go without groceries? Do you get groceries but end up with the power turned off? Do you get your medicine and tell the kids they will need to go without new contacts and you're sorry they're getting an eye infection from the old ones? Do you get the contacts instead of your medicine and then end up sick?
So, how am I? Well, I'm tired, I'm epically stressed, I'm anxious, I'm scared, I'm mad, I'm sick, I'm afraid that if I start crying I won't stop....Getting the picture?
I don't know how I will cover next month's rent. Hell, I'm still trying to cover THIS month's rent. Oh, and no moving isn't an option. If I had the money to move I'D PAY MY RENT. I'm making a 1 month prescription of my medicine last 2-3 months because I don't have $108 every month to spend on it. My unemployment runs out in 2 months. My eyes are yellow from the jaundice. I'm not eating so that my kids can. None of my clothes fit. I'm losing everything I've worked so hard for. I've sold everything that's worth anything just to get basics like bread and milk.
"But can't your mom", "what about your dad", "doesn't your family".....what about...No. My mom can't and neither can my dad. And my family just doesn't. I couldn't tell you the last time I was invited to a family function...wait yes I can...it was my grandmother's funeral SIX YEARS AGO.
I'm not writing this so people will feel bad for me or to make anyone feel guilty. I'm writing this because this is how things are. This is my reality. This is the reality of a LOT of people right now. So before you bitch about that job that you hate, or gripe about the cost of your car insurance, or ask me how I am....think twice.
Now, how do you REALLY think I am? And honestly why bother asking? Everyone assumes everything is ok. It's not until I tell the truth that anyone stops to realize that oh maybe they shouldn't have asked. I can sense the deer in the headlights look as I start listing what's going on THAT week. And then, what's even better, they try to sympathize. Because somehow the fact that THEY have to work overtime or THEY might have to sell their dirt bike is right in line with me having to chose between groceries or lights.
There's days when it's very hard not to be bitter. As an adult I'm supposed to understand why I was laid off, why it made financial sense for the company to let me go. But I have no problem admitting that sometimes it's hard not to feel slighted. Thanks to losing my job there's a very good chance I'll be losing EVERYTHING.
And speaking of jobs....do people honestly think that I haven't thought of EVERYTHING I can possibly do to make a living? What the fuck. YES I've been looking, YES I've put in resumes, YES I'm looking at jobs I swore I'd NEVER do. But have YOU ever tried raising a kids and paying rent on $10 an hour? No? Well, it's a lot like those Choose Your Own Adventure books you read in school. do you pay the light bill and go without groceries? Do you get groceries but end up with the power turned off? Do you get your medicine and tell the kids they will need to go without new contacts and you're sorry they're getting an eye infection from the old ones? Do you get the contacts instead of your medicine and then end up sick?
So, how am I? Well, I'm tired, I'm epically stressed, I'm anxious, I'm scared, I'm mad, I'm sick, I'm afraid that if I start crying I won't stop....Getting the picture?
I don't know how I will cover next month's rent. Hell, I'm still trying to cover THIS month's rent. Oh, and no moving isn't an option. If I had the money to move I'D PAY MY RENT. I'm making a 1 month prescription of my medicine last 2-3 months because I don't have $108 every month to spend on it. My unemployment runs out in 2 months. My eyes are yellow from the jaundice. I'm not eating so that my kids can. None of my clothes fit. I'm losing everything I've worked so hard for. I've sold everything that's worth anything just to get basics like bread and milk.
"But can't your mom", "what about your dad", "doesn't your family".....what about...No. My mom can't and neither can my dad. And my family just doesn't. I couldn't tell you the last time I was invited to a family function...wait yes I can...it was my grandmother's funeral SIX YEARS AGO.
I'm not writing this so people will feel bad for me or to make anyone feel guilty. I'm writing this because this is how things are. This is my reality. This is the reality of a LOT of people right now. So before you bitch about that job that you hate, or gripe about the cost of your car insurance, or ask me how I am....think twice.
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