Men*O*Ponder

So...tomorrow's the big day. I'm officially saying goodbye to you. You've been a friend, an ally, an enemy, a demon. You've alternately given me life and sucked the life out of me. At times you clearly defined who I was. I have to come to terms with you being gone. You will no longer be a part of me. I threw you a party, burned you in effigy.
If you, dear reader are confused, I'M HAVING A FUCKING HYSTERECTOMY. Yes, dammit they're removing body parts. I'm glad, terrified, sad, angry, confused, relieved, anxious, frustrated.....pick an adjective and insert it *here*, *here* and *here*. To be more precise I'm having a supracervical laparascopic hysterectomy. Meaning...I get to keep my cervix and my ovaries. And no not in a jar on the shelf.
To make things a little more fun, I was laid off last week. Yep, that's right, more fuzzy lollipops for me. Go team. Oh, and side note...the next person who tells me these things happen for a reason will be removing my foot from their ass. That's right you will have to part your hair to take a shit. Why? Well I'm sure there's a reason in there somewhere.
I really don't know what to think, feel or do. The rational part of my brain says this is totally normal. But the chick in me (what's left of it any ways) is alternating between screaming in my brain and rocking silently in a corner. I know that a body part does not define who I am. I get that. I know I wasn't having anymore kids...between having my tubes tied and my illness, well...that was a done deal. There's just something so FINAL about this though.
Oh, and because this doesn't suck enough....apparently the O's won't be the same either. That's right the BIG-O. As in what makes them so spectacular is the uterine contractions....BUT I WON'T HAVE ONE ANYMORE. *sigh*
I'm torn between scrubbing the ceiling with a toothbrush and hiding under the covers. Overwhelmed much? Nah, not me.
I'm soooooo tired of putting on the game face and pretending I'm ok. I'm not. I'm resigned, there's a difference. Never confuse a desperate bid for survival with strength.
Ok, I'm rambling. But that's why you love me.