Does This Smell Infected?

My kids think I'm crazy...no that's not news. They often look at me and I can see the hamsters running frantically in their heads while they think "Ok, if we put her in a home NOW...what are my odds on getting the car?" or "Can I ride out the next year or two, have her committed and THEN get the car?"
One of the family traits the my grandmother was kind enough to bestow upon me was a heightened sense of smell. My mom has it too. Heightened as in if you were on the same BLOCK as someone who was smoking, I can smell it on you. Most perfumes and body sprays give me a migraine. Which I assure you is great fun when you work in an office with other women. WOMEN WHO THINK PERFUME INSTEAD OF A SHOWER IS OK. It is NOT ok...wash your nasty ass and spare my olfactory system! Then there's the coup de gras.....the smell of mac and cheese (which my 13 is currently cooking in the kitchen...I say in the kitchen as opposed to the hotplate I force her to keep in her bedroom so she can cook her crack) makes me gag. Makes my mouth get all vomity watery. Makes me want to heave up everything I've eaten in the past 18 months. *Oh look...corn*
I can't help myself. There is no particular brand that is less offensive than the other. It all smells like hot garbage to me. This could stem from that one really mean aunt who used to babysit me and forced me to eat it.....or it could be the fact that POWDERED CHEESE IS A CRIME AGAINST NATURE. (Though I do love the Pokemon shaped pasta)
My entire house has been befouled by this crap. *ick*
Even the dog is grossed out. He's currently looking at me as if to say "Seriously? You complain that I piss on the floor but DO YOU SMELL THAT SHIT SHE'S MAKING?"
I have to agree.

Waterballoon Toss Anyone?

I know I know, I promised no more uterus posts. But this one is just too good to pass up. Blah blah....hysterectomy...blah blah...sad...blah blah...whimper. Ok now that we're all caught up with the story, I checked the mail the other day and was absolutely FLOORED by a letter I received from my insurance company.

The opening went as follows:
"We have analyzed medical claims data that indicate you might be interested in or are pursuing treatment for infertility."
The letter goes on to tell me about the services available through my insurance company as well as some statistics for a specific clinic.

Um....hmmm...I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I must admit that I am amazed at the advances in modern medicine. They can replace your heart, reattach a limb, and now ladies and gentleman a PROSTHETIC UTERUS!! wooot. Wait, no...hold on the peanut gallery is telling me there's no such thing. Ok ok will they give me a pouch like a kangaroo? Imagine the posibilities. If I had a pouch it'd be handy not only for carrying Festus the Fetus, but my cellphone, my car keys, a 6-pack of Mickey's Big Mouths....

I know! They'll put in a water-balloon so it'll be all stretchy and stuff. And the water-balloon, oh man. Once I reached term I could pull it out and throw it as some unsuspecting citizen. I mean come on a water-balloon full of afterbirth...what fun! *mayhaps I've gone too far*

Seriously though I really want to know WHAT data they analyzed to send me a letter TWO MONTHS AFTER MY SURGERY! Not to mention how they plan to accomplish the PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

So, I got on the phone and gave them a holler. The first representative was very nice. She was downright horrified that I'd gotten this letter. She transfered me to someone who was supposed to document the incident and pass it along to prevent further oopsies. Well of course rep number 2 was a guy. A guy who had NO clue why I was insensed. A guy who told me to 'just throw it away'. *sigh* Well, instead I pulled out the big guns and WROTE THEM A VERY IRATE LETTER. Complete with finger wagging and everything. I don't particularly expect a response, but I couldn't 'just throw it away' either.

The state of healthcare in America, woe is I. My poor discarded womb. Excuse me I have water-balloons to fill.